Responses to the unsettling times can range from “Arghhhhh!” to “it’s all going to be fine”. Right now, as parents, neither response is necessarily very helpful. When there is something unsettling going on, and whatever the eventual outcome for us or our children, there will be some impact. Even if that is just handling everyone talking about something that is difficult and confusing, you are likely to be feeling a lot of stress. There are many causes of stress that may be triggered by changes or things happening in your life. Stress comes from a mismatch between what we see as a problem and how well we perceive we can manage that problem. One example of this might be when difficult things are going on at work, if we feel we have the resources and skills to handle them, then those things won’t feel distressing. It may feel like pressure, it may feel ‘stressful’, but it could also feel like an exciting challenge.
What we need to do is to try to find those parts of it that feel manageable. Try to break down our current situations into smaller bits, rather than get overwhelmed by the sheer size of the problem as a whole. We don’t have to be able to do everything to be able to do something. If we are going to support our children through an unsettling time, learning to control our own anxiety about the situation is a practical place to start. This doesn’t mean we can’t feel anxious. It also doesn’t mean that we must hide that anxiety from our children or teens. It just means that we need to understand our anxiety, not let it overwhelm us, and find ways to contain it enough so it doesn’t overwhelm our children either.
Jar of Joy
One of the ways we can keep a hold of the everyday in the face of a big problem is to physically write down all the little things that bring you a bit of joy or give you a sense of normality. A “Jar of Joy” is a technique that people have been using in various versions for years to do just that. A Jar of Joy is a very simple idea that packs a big punch. Take a jar (or any kind of container you like – a Box of Brilliance, a Margarine Tub of Moments… all are equally valid!) and decorate it. Although not essential, this really helps to give it some importance. Invest time in it, even if it is only five minutes and it will feel much more special. If you get to decorate it your own way, it will also hold some personal value to you. You should never underestimate the power of feeling pride in something you have made, no matter how unskilled you might feel. Put your jar or container somewhere you can see it easily. Any time something happens that brings a little moment of joy, however small, write it down on a scrap of paper and put it in the jar. Challenge yourself and your child to find at least two things every day.